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When I Rule The World

I’ve decided. In 2008 I’m gonna take over the world. Enough of all these mamby pamby, self righteous, out for what they can get leaders. Be gone I say. Yer-Mans in charge now.

So here’s the craic!

This is how it will be for the betterment of mankind as we know it. This will be on my manifesto.

All sissies will be slapped around with a Tesco’s Baguette.

Tired of cry babies ruining everything? Tired of hearing about superficial law suits that happen because some people are to stupid to breathe on their own? Tired of hearing people whine about being offended and getting their feelings hurt?

Well in my administration, as Leader of The World, one of my minions (Yes I would have minions. Probably the redundant elf type when and if I kick old Santa to the kerb. If he doesn’t bring me my transformers car.) would carry around a baseball bat size baguette. Anyone caught whining would be summarily beaten with said giant bread stick. Sissies don’t deserve to be bludgeoned with anything less.

My Secret Service would be an army of Power Rangers

To hell with having an elite protection force that attempts to blend in with low grade business men. My secret service will be nothing but power rangers. They will dress like power rangers. They will be tooled up like power rangers. Most of all, they will kick ass like power rangers. If you were even thinking about facing up to me, my elite team of ranger arse kickers would rip you open a new arsehole. I’ll dress them all in black combats though. None of this poncey baby pink and yellow crap.

I would be a fighting leader.

Sick of seeing higher ranking people sending out the lower level personel to fight wars? Well once I am declared all knowing leader of Earth I will kick ass along side the average power ranger. Of course seeing as how there will be no more war on Earth, the next place we are going to war with will be Mars. We’ll show those filthy red planet bastards whose boss. And once we conquer Mars, we’ll move on to Saturn. There is something in those rings, I must have them! And my beloved has a thing about rings too, so I’m sure Saturn will be a must.

I would send Gordon Brown back to Scotland faster than he could whistle a verse of Gordon where’s yer troosers! Number ten will be my first port of call on my election day. George W will be made to have an education whether he likes it or not. Ian K Paisley and Gerry Adams will become the new Chuckle Brothers and travel the world with their Chuckle Circus. All Mexicans will be made to have plastic surgery because they are all ugly as sin and all look identical.

I will not censor anything.

Tired of the government telling you what you can and can’t listen too? Tired of the Mary Whitehouse type freaks dominating your television viewing? Well I refuse to censor anything, that’s right! Television and radio will be uncensored. I’m fed up with parents not doing their jobs as parents and expecting the government to step in for them. Once I am leader of the world, deciding what is morally decent for your kids will be your job, not mine. Don’t want them to see sex, then don’t let them watch it. Get off yer hole and supervise them. Offended by what you hear on the radio, then change the station. I, on the other hand, will enjoy finally seeing rugby players swear like dockers at the referees, and I am anxiously awaiting for the new “Sex Factor” a show where pensioners really prove that their sex life isn’t over at fifty and they can still go at it like bunnies three times a week. First prize being a lifetime supply of sex toys and lubricants. God knows, they’ve worked hard all their lives and deserve that at least.

I will issue licenses to hunt Michael Jackson

This is bound to be a vote winner. I’m fucking fed up with Michael Jackson. How many times does he have to be brought up on charges of touching kids before someone makes the charges stick. As leader of the world I will issue hunting licenses specifically for Michael Jackson. I think that the death penalty takes too long, but I am willing to give him a sporting chance.

No hopers beware

Paris Hilton will become a chambermaid in one of her own hotels. But I’m not totally heartless. Before she starts, she’ll be slapped good looking. That will at least fix that dodgey eye of hers.

Amy Winehouse will double up as a school nit nurse stroke anti drugs advocate. I’m a strong believer in using the skills that people already have and putting them to good use.

All chavs on the Jeremy Kyle show will be made to work. The nations sea defences are at an all time low. So they will be provided with a spade and a hammer and set to work. And no, we will not be providing Burberry overalls.

No expense will be spared in providing full and comprehensive hearing tests and surgery if necessary, for all jazz musicians and rappers.

All religious zealots will be transported by our fastest rockets to Mercury. They can then all fight amongst themselves until their loving little hearts are content.

I will personally put Gary Glitter to death in a televised public execution. The parents of abused children can then get rid of his remains in any way they see fit.

All drunk drivers will be strapped into their cars and catapulted off the nearest cliff after being made to stay sober for three weeks.

That’s just a few of the things I’d enforce. But like I said earlier, I’m not totally heartless. I would see to it that all car manufacturers installed speedometers just for female drivers. Something that would help them understand just how fast or not, they are travelling.

I know, I know!.. I’m just too caring

VOTE FOR YER-MAN!