Every damned morning lately, it’s been the same old story.
I switch on my computer.
Me: Mornin’ pooter. Ready for some work?
Pooter: Hold on. I’m still loading.
I wait a while.
Me: Are you ready yet?
Pooter: Fire away boss. And good morning to you too.
I try to read some mail.
Pooter: Hold on. I’m checking for updates for your anti-virus.
I take a drink of coffee.
Me: OK now?
Pooter: Yup.
I check my mail. It’s very slow to load up.
Me: What’s wrong now?
Pooter: There are some software updates for you. I’m downloading them.
Back to the coffee and switch the news on.
Pooter: OK. All downloaded and installed. You have to reboot now.
Me: Ohh piss off. I’m not going through all this again.
Pooter: Fairy nuff, but you have been warned.
I check my mail. Nothing there exept the usual marriage proposals from hoards of very rich, very beautiful, sexy women begging for my body..(oh let me dream will yas!)
I fire up my browser. Nothing happens.
Me: What are you at now?
Pooter: Just scanning your disk for nasty stuff. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.
I’m bored with the news, so channel hop on RTE.
Eventually, I get my browser running, and I do my little bit of surfing, then notice that my blog page isn’t loading properly.
Pooter: You really ought to reboot, you know?
Me: I told you. No fucking way!
Pooter: You’re playing with fire….
I ignore it and start on the wittiest post for my blog that I have thought up in ages. It takes a long time to write.
Pooter: Alert!!!! Virus found in J drive!
Me: Fuck off. I don’t have a J drive. You’re only doing this to wind me up.
Pooter: True, it’s not difficult to do and by the way boss. The post you’re typing up isn’t remotely funny.
Me: I’m nearly finished. And keep your opinions to yourself.
Pooter: You always blame your problems on me, try mouthing off at AOL when you ring to cancel your account. Get me a new server to play on. Byeeeee internet connection!!
Me: Oh for Gods sake, get me back online pronto pooter please.
Pooter: I told you, it’s not my fault. I’m the brains in this partnership ya know. It’s your poxy server.
Me: Ok, Ok.. Just go and swoon over Zookies photo’s for a while then and let me do some stuff. That should keep you happy.
Pooter: Now yer talkin!.. just give me a nudge if you need anything OK? Oh and don’t forget to write your letter to Santa later. You’re running out of time
Me: Will do, thanks.
Pooter: Don’t mention it!
