Now I’m Shirty.

I am going to a wedding in the South of Ireland very soon. So, in an effort to impress the young Irish ladies (innocent grin ) I decided to buy some new shirts off o the internet. Big mistake number one.

I normally just go into town to McCalls for my formal clobber but thought, hell why not give this online buying a try. And besides. The past weeks efforts at shopping in Lisburn have been a bloody nightmare. “Do you really want to be in town on a saturday just beofe christmas yer-man?” Answer No!

I found a few shirts I liked, a selection that I could either wear for the wedding, or work, and went ahead and ordered them. I also chose to pay for express delivery. Big mistake number two.

Then, about an hour later, I received an email:

This is a courtesy email to inform you that your order has been dispatched today.
RXYLU15H3M White Twill Two Fold Quantity 1

This is surprising, as I ordered three shirts, so would expect the dispatch notice to mention all three shirts. I revisited the website to check on my order only to be told that the two other shirts were out of stock. Well, they definitely were not out of stock when I ordered, as I deliberately discounted any out of stock items due to the time critical nature of my requirement.

There was an order query email in the dispatch notice, so I emailed them for clarification.

An hour later I received the following reply.

************** This is an automated response **************
**** PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS ADDRESS ****

Thank you very much for contacting Charles Tyrwhitt. We aim to respond to your email within 48 hours.

Well, as you can imagine, this was about as useful as the Cutty Sark’s sprinkler system or a chocolate teapot. They were going to get back to me a day after my delivery has taken place.

I decided to check the sales website, and lo and behold I could still order the “out of stock” item for next day delivery. No mention whatsoever of any delays all the way through the check out process. So called them directly.

“Ah, yes, there is probably a problem with the website system.” said Darren to call center operative after I had explained my problem.

“Well Darren, I could have told you that there was a problem with either the website system, or the dispatch system. What with them giving me conflicting information. They can’t both be right.”

“Yes. Of course. What would you like to do now?”

“Like to do? I would like the shirts as I ordered, and delivered before Tuesday, that is what I would like.”

“Well it says here on my system that they are now in the warehouse being checked for quality, so we could have them for you by Thursday?”

“Is this a third system? As it seems to contradict the other two. Which of these three systems can I trust Darren? They appear to have a 100% failure rate so far.”

“You can trust this one. I can call you tomorrow to confirm delivery if you’d like me to?”

“Yes please Darren, my success at this wedding is very much dependent upon delivery of these shirts, and of course the amount of free booze available at the Reception.”

And so I await delivery. I will keep you all informed of progress, should you be in the slightest bit interested of course.

All I need now is for a friggin Mika song to be played on the radio!

Yer-Man Proudly Presents!

“Yer-Man my dear, do you have any idea what you would like for Christmas?”

This is a question I get asked, every year, by members of my family. We are not a particularly creative group, so if you don’t ask for something specific, the chances are you’ll get a bottle of booze, or a christmas jumper. Or both if they are feeling unusually generous.

“How much do you want to fork out on me?” I asked in return.

This question often causes some consternation, but I do not understand why. I work in an environment where if people want to buy something, one of the first things you must do is find out how much they have to spend. It is good business practise, it expedites a swift conclusion of the transaction and ensures both parties are clear on where this commercial relationship is going. (“Does the customer want a Form A or Form B washer on that?” I would ask the sales guys. “Form A, Yer-Man”..”Ah Ok a cheap bastard”) It’s the same in every walk of life really. Anyway, where was I?

I see no reason why this shouldn’t be applied to your personal life.

“I’m not telling you that!”

“In that case I want one of the following, a Bose sound-dock for my iPod, a new Sony laptop, a new Citroen C4 that transforms into a flying machine or. a female with massive puppies. Your choice”

“You’re just being silly now.”

No, actually. I am being realistic. What is the point of me naming a present that costs £10 if you were planning on spending £30 on me? I am doing myself out of £20 worth of potential gifts. That is being silly.

The same principle works in reverse. Just before I go Christmas shopping after lunch on Christmas Eve to buy my families Christmas presents, I call each of them in turn.

“What do you want for Christmas? I am in HMV, and have £15 with your name on it. You have 20 seconds or you get vouchers.”

If focusses the mind, and takes much of the stress out of Christmas shopping. You should all try it.

I’m ahead of myself this year actually. I’ve already got my girlfriends present. An extra large sized jar of Marmite. Now thats love!

Bahhh Humbuggery!