Dear Mrs Pitt

Or may I call you Ange?

Yes maybe I will. You’re amongst friends here.

I just wanted to ask you what it is about you and Madonna with all this baby abduction (sorry I mean adoption) malarky? OK I suppose it’s better than shaving your head and parading your fanny off in public like Britney does. At least the money is going to a good cause in a way.

It’s like you and Madonna go into a sweet shop. See rows and rows of sweets on the shelf and say “ohhh i’ll have a brown one and a pink one and maybe a red one” etc.

If I may be so bold as to offer some advice, I think the time has come to scale up your entire baby adoption program. No more of this one kid at a time stuff, on your next trip to…where ever the hell it is you’re going to next, adopt an entire orphanage.

I know it sounds expensive, but don’t worry about the cost, just pout those flesh coloured airbags you call your lips and they’ll probably give you a group rate. Not to mention, if you reconcile with your dad, you’ll have an instant baby sitter…just don’t ask him to remember their names.

Then just sit back and watch Madonna’s head explode as she tries to figure out how to top that.

The ball is in your court…the stakes have been raised… a challenge has been issued…the gauntlet has been thrown down…well, I’ve run out of clichés.

I’ve lost count of how many children the two of you have between you. But nevermind, I’m sure I will soon find out when the next little purchase is announced in the media.

I eagerly await my invitation to your next wedding. I think the ones you sent for your marriages to your other womb raiders, Billy Bob Thornton, Johnny Lee Miller and Brad Pitt got lost in the post. So send them recorded delivery next time ok? You obviously have a fondness for wedding cake. Am I right?

Here is a photo of my best friend Doris. Doris is your number one fan and models herself on you. The likeness is uncanny. She wants to be just like you but thinks she would find it difficult living her life in a goldfish bowl, poor girl.

See ya soon fish lips!

p.s. Jennifer Aniston sends her love.

Oi Baldy!

Yes you with the stupid looking hair.

What da hell do you think you look like? Are you mentally deranged or something? OK, let me get this straight. You have lost your hair and you are embarrassed that your head is as bald as a snooker ball on Willy Thornes snooker table. So why draw my attention to the fact even more? It looks fuckin ridiculous man!

And it’s even more funny when you get caught in a cross wind lol. Those foot long strands just stand up and wave at us, screaming “Yo Ho, over here! I’m having a fucking silly hair day!”. It looks like a candyfloss blowing about for christ sake. And what the hell have you used to stick it to your scalp?

Listen up my old son. Shave the friggin thing off. You’ll look much better and you will find that people won’t stare at you half as much. You’re not kidding anyone that you are folically challenged. I just wonder what you think when you see some other fella with a comb over. Do you think “oh wow, that looks great, I want one” I have my doubts that you do. Lots of women say that they find bald men very attractive. I think you’re just making a rod for your own back matey. And I’m just worried that the next time I see you or anyone like you in the street on a windy day. That I’m literally gonna piss myself laughing out loud at you.

So wise up, will ya?

I was just thinking. You never see a black man with a comb over. It would just be this one big ball of hair bounching on his head lol.. Perish the thought!

One of the best celebrity comb overs has to be Donald Trump. It’s a shame really. All that money and he can’t afford a mirror?

This photo certainly does give the impression of a dead hamster perched on his scalp. Note the way that it all seems the same colour, but that colour just doesn’t look right next to the few bits of hair that actually look attached to his head.It tells the story of the long journey each hair takes, starting at the back and travelling all the way to the front, dangling over steely eyes and a mouth that shouts, “You’re Fired”

OK time for me to go and wash my lovely thick dark hair. See yas!